They've had this coming for Years.

Ok, so after much exhaustive research, I'm ready to go public with this.  I had to be sure... there can be no mistake on this one, but now its time.   The man behind the curtain, pulling the Gas Station User Interface strings is really:

At least thats my working theory, and as my friends well know, My working theories are always clean. So what is the deal with this huge conspiracy that everyone must be intimately familiar with anyway? How Ironic that you should ask sir, because I was just getting ready to cram it down your collective throat ("The new BK 1/4 lb-er... 'POUND ONE'").

Now its a well known fact that the american farmers, are the real men responsible for the events of 9/11, but what is the tie in with Big (local) Gas?  For nearly 2 centuries, America's farmers had a stranglehold on the transportation industry.  You want to go from Pittsburgh to Lexington? Well thats going to cost ya mister. Yeah sure, you have your own horse, but do you have any oats for that fine looking animal? Well these oats don't just grow on a tree you know. It takes effort to grow these here oats. They're not going to be cheap mister (this is the part where you wish you had gone for that smaller carriage, with the narrower wood wheels... yeah it wasn't sporty, but you get a heck of a lot more miles per bushel in one of those).

It was great when it lasted. They had everything. Power, wealth, fame, special straw polls, and caucuses and even really long work days with little assurance of financial stability. Yep, things were going pretty well. Then along came the big one. The Internal Combustion engine.

"What do you mean 'you can't feed it oats??'"  Exhaustive research yielded few options. Oats-oline really didn't have the mass market appeal it needed to compete with the heavy hitters like Crude Oil (with a name like that, how could they lose?), and CORN WAS JUST PLAIN STUPID!!! (sorry, my pinky got stuck on the shift key there, it has a mind of its own sometimes...)

Red with rage, the farmers were not about to take this sitting down. Big Oats infiltrated the user interface design labs for the new auto infrastructure. They sabatoged all rational designs, and replaced the researchers with radioactive crack-addict monkeys (incidentally, the same crack {different usage} squad of monkeys Designed the U.C. Berkeley psychology building) The result is the horrific display you will see laid out before you over the next few postings.

(Some loose ends, beyond the obvious lack of supporting data: The "Farming for America's Growers" organization is obviously responsible for our terrorist problem.  What does Osama Bin Laden have to gain financially by wanting our lazy, glutenous butts dead?  How would that help him at all?  The truth is always in the money trail.  The arab nations are all in this case nothing more than pawns.  A war is going to prevent them from selling gas to us for our cars large enough for our lazy, glutenous butts, thereby limiting the potential sales for this cursed black goop.  In a worst case scenario, the US Government (Haliburton) forces a trade: all this gross black goop, for this handful of Beautiful Beads!  The only ones that stand to gain from all this is the farmers.  When the world comes crying back for oats for their horses, they're going to be ready.  Clearly the plan is working, just look at the political popularity of Corn Fuel.  Ethanol is a gateway fuel.  Oats-oline is just around the corner, clad in a dingy trench-coat, waiting to leap out of obscurity.   Also, Al Sharpton is a robot apparently: intent on pissing me off every time I go to use a credit card at a gas station.